A girl and her bike

I realised the other day that if I sit still for too long, the thoughts begin to start. Regrets of things said and not said, of things done or left unresolved. It is a sad place, and one which it is fruitless to spend time in. Things are what they are. I will never talk to Pete or my mother again.

Sometimes, the strangest thing will make me sad. Trains were wound up in our life and also that of my mother. When I go on a journey, I often think of them both. I cry silent tears as I pass through stations now imbued with memories. As I approached the Slochd the other day, the Highland Chieftain came the other way and unexpectedly I found that as I peddled along, there were tears flowing down my face.

On my way to see my father

My approach to counteracting all this is to never stop moving. I keep planning things to do and weekends away because if I am in perpetual motion, I am not dwelling on all the bad things that have happened in the last 10 months. There are so many things I am interested in and so rather than thinking that I'll do it someday, I am going to do it now. Even if it is frightening.

Riding my bike helps me, there is much time to ruminate on a 60 mile ride, but these ruminations seem more healthy than those that occur when my brain has headed down the negative track. There are many things that I want to do with my bike, things that were always ambitions but which were never fulfilled due to my ever present and intense anxiety.

Pete was almost a crutch, if he was there, things would be OK, but now, I have to make things OK on my own. I don't want to stop doing things because he is not here, even if I wish he could see the huge changes in me now. With Pete, I went touring, something that I had done as a child but which I would have been petrified to do by myself. I loved it, because it was something I was passionate about, and when I went to buy a new bike earlier this year, when the man pointed out the gravel bike, I was sold.

Lone camping in Kielder 

As I write this now, I can't imagine not going touring by myself, but I am a different person now. Significant changes in medication, months of counselling and the most traumatic year of my life have changed me. I will never be the same person again.

There is a life, there is a future and I am determined that, while I am still fit and able, I will live it to the full.

Bikepacking myself to happiness